“I deserve to be a wife.” It rang in my ears for some reason. In a conversation with a friend on marriage, this was a vulnerable moment. “I don’t get it,” she went on to explain how so many other women that seemingly aren’t as “qualified” have gotten married. She cooks, cleans, supports, and more and somehow it hasn’t quite happened for her yet. This set off a multitude of thoughts in my head of course!
I guess the first being, “how has being a wife become such a highly coveted position?” I mean here we are the working 21st Century women, with careers, cars, our own money, etc., yet we still hold being a wife as a source of validation. Now don’t get me wrong, I am all about marriage and I believe in the sanctity of it, but sometimes I hate how much it’s sought after. It often confuses me about my own motives to get married. Is it because that’s exactly what I want or because of the outside pressures of society telling me that at 28 I am somehow behind in this area?
My second thought was “what does make a man finally decide that it’s time?” I mean in today’s society, we give so much before getting married. Most often we live together, share finances, have sex before marriage and more, so there seems to be less motivation to actually do it. There is something to be said about the olden days where a little more mystery was there. Often you got married because there was so much you couldn’t really experience before you did. But in today’s world, what is really the motivator? Why would there be much urgency to make it all official?
Then there’s the third complexity in the statement. Well even with all the challenges of dating in 2014, some women still are getting married. What have they done differently than my friend? Have they set an expectation in the beginning of “Hey, I am only going to stick around but so long as a girlfriend?” Do they have tricks in the bedroom? (That’s a joke). But really, by no means is this friend perfect, but she does seemingly have a lot of qualities that at least the magazines tell you men are looking for in a wife. Is it possibly not being with the right one? Is she just impatient, even though she’s been in a serious relationship for quite some time?
I hope that you can see that I have more questions here than answers. It’s honestly something that boggles my mind. And these conversations come up way more often than I’d like to admit in your late 20s. Yes every time you sign on to Facebook a new friend is posting a picture of their shiny engagement ring or that they’re pregnant with their second baby. Meanwhile you’re sitting on the other side of the computer with your degree, career, affinity for good meals and long term boyfriend wondering where exactly you went wrong.
So what conclusions if any do I have about the whole thing?
Sometimes it can seem like the “hoes” for lack of a better term are winning. Way too much reality TV and housewives shows making it seem as if women with no morals or self-control are getting husbands by the second.
There does seem to be a disconnect with this generation based on couples moving like we’re married before actually making it legit.
I don’t think that certain things can be forced. As much as I am looking forward to marriage, I constantly remind myself that God’s timing is perfect. I want a marriage, not just a wedding to show off pictures and look up 5 years later and think, “What have I done?”
Yes being a wife is an amazing role that I look forward to but I will continue to try not to let it validate me or my relationship.
Lastly, I think my friend will make an amazing wife and if the current bf is not wise enough to get it, I know that she will be blessed with a man that will. Patience is something I’ve learned most of us don’t have. But ultimately, it’s best to wait, to be sure and to be led by God when it comes to marriage. He knows our desires, we should make them known to Him and listen for what else to do.
Have you felt pressure to be married? How do you handle it? Have you ever had to give an ultimatum? What do you think about the whole thing? Lol. I DON’T HAVE THE ANSWERS!
Ashley Coleman is a blogger, journalist and most recently an author, self publishing her first book, Dear Love: A Love Letter to You in March of 2014. She has contributed to From a Wildflower, JUMP Magazine, For Harriet andGRAMMY.com. She also curates her own blogs writelaughdream.com and boldbrownbeautiful.com.